I was gonna blog about something nice but it's amazing how 1 thing can ruin your 'happy feeling' in just a snap. Then I'll feel like the whole world is against me and everything that bothered me will surface. Lastly, I'll lash out at everyone around me and be a total bitch.
Yeah that pretty sums up my feelings for now.
I think that there are boundaries on what could and what should not be blogged about. I don't think it's right to lash out at my family but holding it all in is like so hard. But, i'll refrain from doing that in case i feel bad (i usually do) afterwards.
Sometimes i just think that if my father were still alive, things would be so much different. I'm not putting the blame on him on the fact that he passed away, it's not that he could do anything about it. He would have wanna live to see my sister and i grow up too, but i think his death pretty much broke up our 'Happy Family'.
Not that we can't be happy without him, but it just feels so different. 3 people seems a lot less than 4, even though there is only a difference of 1 person.That empty, incomplete feeling will always be around. I used to feel really sad when father's day was around the corner each year. At school, everyone had to make a father's day gift but i was like the only one without a dad. Trust me, when you're 8 and everyone around you was happily making their gift for their father except you, sucks. The teacher would always tell me to make a gift for my mum instead.
Well, about a decade later and i'm the one that is taking up the role as mother. Please give me a break, i'm 21 and i've got my own problems. I cant be worrying and looking out for everyone. On hindsight, i think i've been taking up the role as mother ever since we moved to Singapore cause i was always the one looking after my sister. It's just that i've got one more teenager to look after now. Totally doesn't help that my mum's bf is just as irresponsible. Fuck that shit, i'm gonna buy myself a mother's day present next year.
I think i'm going to be selfish and wash my hands off their businesses. If they wanna fuck up their life, so be it. I've done enough.
Oh and to all those people who ever told me and are still telling me to help out a little at home cause my mum is having a real hard time bringing up her kids, FUCK YOU you've never been in this situation before so shut the hell up and don't preach.
Ok, that was off my chest. Anger almost always turns into sadness and then into disappointment. I'm still in between the anger and sad phase.
On a lighter note, i went for korean class today! On a SATURDAY at 9AM People are certainly thinking i'm crazy. Oh well, whatever, i'm interested in the korean language :) Learnt pretty much today, learnt the whole alphabet and stuff and i can read some korean now! yayness! Oh and i just found out that i can type korean on my lappie too! :)
look!
나 무 means tree and 파 나 나 means banana ^^ hihi
Speaking of languages, i might be switching from Mandarin to Indonesian at school. I have to make a decision real quick and i've been asking around for other people's opinions. I'm having a hard time deciding! Ughhhh. I just don't have the interest in chinese and i already speak mandarin fluently so whats the point? Just that my writing is horrible. Language could be my 'unique selling point' haha. And that the bf thinks that i wanna switch to indo cause i hate my lecturer totally doesn't help. At all. Im not that stupid. it's like an insult to me, that i can't think properly and just switch to another language cause i hate the lecturer. I do hate her though, but it's not enough for me to quit Mandarin. just sayin.
